"I Don't Have Trauma, Why Am I F***ed Up?" How Gaslighting Makes You Believe You Don't Deserve to Heal
If you’ve ever had the thought, “I don’t have trauma, why am I fucked up?” or immediately dismissed your struggles with, “Other people have had it so much worse than me,” know that while there may be a technical validity to the statement, these thoughts are a perfect example of how truly insidious trauma can be.
Following up on my previous post about narcissism, I want to highlight one of its most powerful and subtle manifestations: gaslighting. Defined as, “to manipulate another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events,” [1] gaslighting is an emotional wound that teaches you to be your own worst skeptic. Those negative, self-doubting beliefs I opened with are common manifestations of having internalized this particular type of emotional abuse.
The Problem of the "Default Setting"
A significant challenge we face is the societal and cultural tendency to view gaslighting and emotional abuse as ‘not as serious’ as physical trauma—less impactful. This minimization means that treatment is often not sought until the experience has compounded, increasing the depth of the bruising- like well-worn ski tracks in the snow.
Over time, minimizing and emotional numbing become the "default" way of responding to stress. The neurological connections are formed and made, locking us into a pattern. Changing this default setting to something more adaptive can feel weird, scary, or unsafe. You may think: "I know that this is bad for me, I don’t want to keep doing [XYZ], but it’s so hard to form this new path." That fear is a protective mechanism, but it is one that keeps us stuck from moving forward.
We need a safer way in.
The Doorway of Fandom and Imagination
And what is safer than the realm of imagination and pretend? This is where fandom comes in.
Fandom can be defined as the subculture of deep interests in certain books, movies, comics, shows, games, music, etc. There is a deep connection and passion unique to one who identifies with this "geek culture." For those healing from trauma—especially the subtle, identity-shaking kind—fandom offers several powerful, therapeutic benefits:
Distance and Escape: It provides a necessary mental break from the stressors of day-to-day life, allowing the nervous system a chance to rest and regulate.
Community: Fandom provides a ready-made community that shouts, “I am not alone.” This feeling is a crucial aspect of group therapy and the overall healing process. You find acceptance due to similar interests, which builds bridges that real-world vulnerability often cannot.
Modeling: Most importantly, fandom allows for a deep connection to certain characters. We see ourselves in these fictional people and watch as they grow, change, heal, or handle complex situations in the way we wish we could. This is a safe form of modeling: “the process in which one or more individuals or other entities serve as examples [that one can] emulate.” [2]
When faced with the sheer terror of forging a new, healthier path for yourself, watching a character on a screen or in a book find their way forward provides a safe, distant blueprint. Their fictitious victory over their own internal doubt can give you the courage to start challenging your own deeply ingrained "default setting."
You don't have to be physically injured for your wound to be real. And you can start your healing journey by simply watching your favorite hero.
If the idea of utilizing the strength and growth you see in your favorite characters feels like a safe, compelling way to start your healing, you don't have to walk that path alone. My therapy service is here to help you bridge the gap between imagination and reality. We can use the narratives, characters, and worlds you love as a foundation, safely exploring complex emotions and building adaptive skills inspired by the fictional heroes who already mean so much to you. Ready to transform that fictional inspiration into real-life change? Reach out today to start your journey.
[1] Gaslight | APA Dictionary of Psychology. link
[2] Modeling | APA Dictionary of Psychology. link