Understanding Emotional Abuse & the Neurological Impact
In our society and culture, there exists the trope that experiencing emotional abuse is less serious physical or sexual abuse. This is one of the more common thoughts that comes up in trauma work, especially when processing narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationships. This minimizing can be a defensive mechanism, a ‘protector part’ of our brains, to the trauma that is occurring or an internalization of believing what an abuser says as true even when this is not the case.
A recent study conducted at Liverpool John Moores University[1] [2](LJMU) has given tangible evidence that emotional abuse is on-par with physical abuse in effect. This study used self-reported data of over 20,000 adults from England and Wales collected between 2012 and 2024. What was found showed that those who reported poor mental health as adults had were 1.64 times more likely to have experienced psychological abuse as children (1.52 times more likely for physical abuse, and 2.15 times more likely for those who experienced both). Other studies done on the effects of emotional abuse have found evidence of structural changes to the brain. Areas associated with emotional understanding, emotional regulation, and empathy (recognizing and responding to the feelings of others) have shown to be affected. As a result, there in long-term damage to individuals’ self-awareness and emotional regulation, causing depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, moodiness, and dysregulated emotional responses[3].
A word that comes up often in my trauma work is “insidious” to describe these traumatic experiences. These psychic wounds are often minimized when in fact they are damaging as well as more commonplace: Verbal abuse affects approximately one-in-three children worldwide and national studies in the UK have shown prevalence across all socioeconomic statuses[4]. Insidious. Due in part to this message of minimizing, emotional abuse can be hard to name or even notice.
So what can emotional abuse look like? While not an exhaustive list, here they are more common examples:
Gaslighting: Being manipulated in a way that makes you their own reality, memory, or sanity. This could be deny something they said or did, even when you have proof. They may also make you feel like you're "too sensitive" or "crazy" for reacting to their behavior. The goal is to make you doubt your own perceptions and become more dependent on the, for defining what reality is
Throwing insults: A way to belittle, offend, or humiliate and usually targeted at one’s character, intelligence, or appearance. The goal is to undermine your self-worth and make you feel small, and thus easier to control in your shaken state.
Ignoring boundaries: Healthy relationships require mutual respect for personal boundaries. Someone who consistently ignores boundaries will disregard your needs, feelings, and limits. They may pressure you to do things you're not comfortable with, make fun of your requests, or simply do the opposite of what you've asked. This is can deliberate way of showing a lack of respect and can be a form of rejection, sending the message that your wants don't matter.
Perfectionist and always nitpicking: A form of excessive criticism, where someone constantly finds fault in minor details. A perfectionist who is always nitpicking will scrutinize your every move—from how you load the dishwasher to how you speak. It creates a toxic environment where you feel like you can't do anything right, leading to decreased self-esteem and confidence.
Love-Bombing: Being the receiver of an overwhelming amount of attention and affection, especially at the beginning of a relationship. This can include showering you with constant compliments, expensive gifts, and declarations of undying love. This creates a powerful emotional high that can blind you to their other, more controlling behaviors: when the love-bombing stops, you may feel indebted or even crave that intense attention and be easier for the other person to manipulate.
Never to Blame: This is someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions. They will always find a way to deflect fault, make excuses, or even turn the situation around to blame you. This behavior prevents accountability and keeps you in a cycle of frustration and confusion, as they will never admit they were wrong.
Exploitation, Accusation, and Sabotage: These are three related tactics often used together. Exploitation is using someone for your own benefit, whether financially, emotionally, or otherwise. Accusation is where the person falsely accuses you of their own misdeeds (For example, a cheating partner might accuse you of being unfaithful). Sabotage involves deliberately undermining your success, happiness, or relationships. This could be anything from spreading rumors at work to "accidentally" deleting an important file.
Emotional Blackmail: Emotional blackmail is a devious form of manipulation where a person uses emotions like fear, guilt, and obligation to control you. Common phrases include, "If you really loved me, you would do this," or "You're the only one who can help me, and if you don't, I don't know what I'll do." The goal is to make you feel responsible for their feelings and actions, making it nearly impossible to say no.
Withholding of Affection and/or Communication (The Silent Treatment): The silent treatment is the refusal to communicate with someone as a form of punishment. It's a passive-aggressive tactic designed to make you feel anxious, guilty, and desperate for the manipulator's attention. By withholding affection or communication, they exert power and control, forcing you to give in to their demands to end the emotional pain.
Malicious Gossip: Malicious gossip is the spreading of rumors or false information about someone with the intent to harm their reputation or relationships. This can be used to isolate you from your friends and family, making you more dependent on the manipulator. It's a form of bullying that can have serious consequences for a person's mental health and social well-being.[5]
If you or someone you know is go through or has experienced this psychological wounding, trauma therapy can help! You can reach out to me via my Contact page or visit my full blog for more info!
Additionally, the contact information for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is:
Website: https://www.thehotline.org/
Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text: Text "START" to 88788
Sources:
[1] https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/15/8/e098412
[2] https://newatlas.com/mental-health/verbal-abuse-childhood/
[3] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7683637/
[4] https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/15/8/e098412
[5] https://www.talkspace.com/mental-health/conditions/articles/narcissistic-abuse/